Commitment Phobe Much?
Freaking out cus my internship rank list is due tomorrow. I've been stuck for the last two weeks in my Diagnostic Pathology rotation with the girl who has the highest mark in our class (wins the award every year and gets her tuition completely paid for through scholarships) and lo and behold, she is applying for internships too.
Professor: Vivian, do you know why this animal might be hypoglycemic?
Me: Um . . . um . . . it hasn't eaten all day?
Professor: Possibly, but that likely isn't it. Anyone else?
*silence. finally the smart girl pipes up.*
Smart girl: Well, it could be due to liver failure or the fact that the serum was submitted on the cells, or, I read in [insert random scientific journal or textbook] and it could be . . . etc.
So seeing as I'm applying for some of the same internships as this nice, smart, pretty, and atheletic girl who's seriously a GENIUS, I can't help but feel horribly inadequate.
It's painful. It really is.
Hell, if I was on the application committee, I'd laugh at my application.
And then, I see how passionate and excited she is about veterinary medicine and I have to wonder at my own motives. Most other students applying for internships in my class are pretty much applying to wherever will take them. They are ranking schools based on academic merit and not location.
Not me. I'm ranking based solely on location and where I think I'd be happiest living by myself if Gabe doesn't happen to match to the same place.
It's a short list. I started out with 20 places and narrowed it down to 8.
Most are in New York and Boston. There's one place in Toronto.
And I'm even considering taking out the one academic place I have listed for Boston cus it's too far out of the city.
How sad am I?
And meanwhile, all I keep doing is talking about ecosystem health and wildlife and marine biology and I wonder: WHY ON EARTH AM I APPLYING TO WORK ON JUST DOGS AND CATS?
I love them and all, and the medicine and surgery are definitely interesting but compared to the rest of the stuff out in the world, it's just plain old not interesting enough for me.
Perhaps this is my insecurity speaking again.
If I reject the internship before it rejects me, I won't feel so bad about it.
Anyhow, by midnight tomorrow night, my list has to be in. Then on Feb 1st, the institutions all submit their ranking lists. And then on March 3rd, I find out whats going to happen to me next year.
The scary part is that whatever I submit on my ranking list, if I match to one of those places, I HAVE to take it. I can't back out or else I ruin the whole premise of the matching system and my name gets blacklisted in the matching program if I ever try to match anywhere ever again.
Anyhow, here goes nothing.
Ack, I can't do it.
I'll deal with it tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I just got a call from Shopper's drug mart saying I left my debit card there after mailing off a package. Claaaaaassy.
See? I can't even do something as simple as mail off a package without doing something stupid like leave my debit card behind. What kind of intern am I going to be?
What kind of institution will actually take me?
What if an institution DOESN'T take me? THEN what am I supposed to do?
I like ecosystem health and wildlife and all but how do you make a career out of it?
GAH!
Whatever. I'm off to the post office to rectify my previous absent mindedness.
At least it means I can delay pressing the horrid "finalize rank order list" button.
Professor: Vivian, do you know why this animal might be hypoglycemic?
Me: Um . . . um . . . it hasn't eaten all day?
Professor: Possibly, but that likely isn't it. Anyone else?
*silence. finally the smart girl pipes up.*
Smart girl: Well, it could be due to liver failure or the fact that the serum was submitted on the cells, or, I read in [insert random scientific journal or textbook] and it could be . . . etc.
So seeing as I'm applying for some of the same internships as this nice, smart, pretty, and atheletic girl who's seriously a GENIUS, I can't help but feel horribly inadequate.
It's painful. It really is.
Hell, if I was on the application committee, I'd laugh at my application.
And then, I see how passionate and excited she is about veterinary medicine and I have to wonder at my own motives. Most other students applying for internships in my class are pretty much applying to wherever will take them. They are ranking schools based on academic merit and not location.
Not me. I'm ranking based solely on location and where I think I'd be happiest living by myself if Gabe doesn't happen to match to the same place.
It's a short list. I started out with 20 places and narrowed it down to 8.
Most are in New York and Boston. There's one place in Toronto.
And I'm even considering taking out the one academic place I have listed for Boston cus it's too far out of the city.
How sad am I?
And meanwhile, all I keep doing is talking about ecosystem health and wildlife and marine biology and I wonder: WHY ON EARTH AM I APPLYING TO WORK ON JUST DOGS AND CATS?
I love them and all, and the medicine and surgery are definitely interesting but compared to the rest of the stuff out in the world, it's just plain old not interesting enough for me.
Perhaps this is my insecurity speaking again.
If I reject the internship before it rejects me, I won't feel so bad about it.
Anyhow, by midnight tomorrow night, my list has to be in. Then on Feb 1st, the institutions all submit their ranking lists. And then on March 3rd, I find out whats going to happen to me next year.
The scary part is that whatever I submit on my ranking list, if I match to one of those places, I HAVE to take it. I can't back out or else I ruin the whole premise of the matching system and my name gets blacklisted in the matching program if I ever try to match anywhere ever again.
Anyhow, here goes nothing.
Ack, I can't do it.
I'll deal with it tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I just got a call from Shopper's drug mart saying I left my debit card there after mailing off a package. Claaaaaassy.
See? I can't even do something as simple as mail off a package without doing something stupid like leave my debit card behind. What kind of intern am I going to be?
What kind of institution will actually take me?
What if an institution DOESN'T take me? THEN what am I supposed to do?
I like ecosystem health and wildlife and all but how do you make a career out of it?
GAH!
Whatever. I'm off to the post office to rectify my previous absent mindedness.
At least it means I can delay pressing the horrid "finalize rank order list" button.
posted by Viv at 7:49 p.m.
1 Comments:
Don't think about it too hard. You could end up in the most interesting city in the world, and hate your boss. You could end up in the middle of nowhere and form friendships that last the rest of your life. You really can't know in advance.
And don't question yourself for putting family above professional advancement -- it is what's important to you.
What's this about you and Uganda?
-James
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