Feed me.

Ever since I got back to cowtown in May, my parents have been harping on me about my health and trying to get me on some crazy detoxification diet. It's enough to drive a girl off the edge.

"You look horrible," said my mother, "just look at your skin tone. You're green! Sonny, doesn't she look green?"
"Hmm? Oh yes. Green."

And then, when they picked me up at the airport from my week down at the zoo in Oregon it was, "Sonny, look at this."
My mother pointed to the right side of my neck.
"Oooooh. Looks like someone's thyroid gland is swelled up," said my dad in this dramatic voice.
"My what? Are you serious?" I raised up my hand to touch my neck self-conciously. It did feel a bit swollen. I grabbed my bags and we went home where I obsessively checked my neck for a week for any swelling.

Not a lump or bump in sight.

That didn't stop my parents from insisting there was something wrong with me and that I should do their crazy detox diet anyway.

They went out yesterday and brought home the book which contained the stupid diet and my mom has been reading it to me ever since.

"It's called the yam and five grain detox diet. You have to eat three yams a day!" said my mom pointing to the book.
"Yeah, that dude on the cover of your book there kinda looks like a yam."

My mother glared at me and began reading the 'Rules of Detox' to me.

"It says here that you must always eat breakfast between 6 and 7:30am."
"Whatever."
"And after you eat your breakfast, you are to walk, barefoot in the grass or dirt for half an hour. You MUST be barefoot so as to best absorb the nutrients from your environment."
I rolled my eyes and walked towards the kitchen for some pretzels.
"And the first rule is that you cannot drink coffee."
I stopped mid-step and nearly had a heart attack.
"WHAT?! NO COFFEE?"
"Nope. None."
"SCrew the diet. If they want me to eat brekkie at those ungodly hours and then NOT have coffee, then they can take their yams and shove em up their-"
"And no dairy products or seafood or eggs or meat."

I had to sit down. This was absolute tripe.

"And then it says you must never think any negative thoughts. And that you must never say anything negative."
"HAHAHAHAHAHA. You kill me."
"And you can't wear a bra with an underwire."
"Excuse me? What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
"And when you eat fruits be sure to eat the skin too. You must eat oranges and bananas with the skin! It is apparently the part with the most nutrients. But you have to make sure that there are no pesticides or fertilizers in the fruit."
"Who frickin wrote this thing? Apparently, he's never met a durian."
"And finally, you must drink 3000mL of water a day."
"Hell, I'll be trying to drown myself in that much water if you make me do this stupid diet."

But my threats fell on deaf ears. My parents are leaving now to go get the yams and five grains and other disgusting tubers I'll be needing for the next four weeks. FOUR WEEKS.

My only consolation is that they aren't with me all the time when I'm at work. And I work right down the street to the Tim Hortons. Thank goodness for Timmies. And Mickey D's (also conveniently located down the road).

AH! They're going to go now. No way they'll ever make me eat a banana skin. Oh great. My mom just read over my shoulder. She said that I'm a bad girl and that according to her precious detox book, the banana skin is the most nutritious thing ever and it's good for your heart and health and cures cancer and feeds starving children in AFrica.

OK. So maybe it didn't say the last two, but close enough.

I bid you farewell. Pity me.