This is not happening

It was the night before my large animal medicine midterm. I'd been studying all week, but somehow, it didn't seem like enough. It never felt like enough.

I sat there blindly staring at my computer screen, willing the words on the screen to somehow be permanently etched into my brain. Well, maybe not permanently- but at least until 9:00am tomorrow morning when my exam would be over.

My roommate lay on the couch smugly reading her well-organized, typed-up-weeks-in-advance, colour-coded, post-it-tabbed study notes. "I never get nervous before exams. I'm just not a nervous exam writer," she said and promptly went upstairs to bed at 10pm sharp.

I silently cursed her in my head and trudged downstairs to my room to get through the last two handouts on neurologic diseases and vasculitis. If I timed it properly, I could get through them once before 2am and get at least 4 hours of sleep.

I lay my books down on my bed and started reading. The words began to meld into one and my page blurred before my eyes. I decided that clearing off all the other books on my bed was something I could do to wake me up. I grabbed my vet dictionary and merck manual and turned around to put them back on the shelf. I turned back around to clear the other books off my bed.

I stared. My Merck manual and vet dictionary were still lying on my bed. I stopped and thought, "maybe I'm losing my mind," grabbed the books and reshelved them. I turned around. They were on my bed again. My skin began to crawl. Something was seriously wrong. I grabbed at them and reshelved them. I turned around, they reappeared. I frantically shoved them off my sheets only to have them come back, again and again. I began madly throwing them off my bed.

Soon, it wasn't just my dictionary and manual, it was my anatomy textbook, my small animal surgery textbook, my toxicology notes and almost all my books. I started shoving them off my bed in this crazed state but no matter how hard I tried, they just kept coming back and repiling.

I gave one final shove and jumped into my bed under the covers before more books could pile on. I felt like I was lying on a pile of textbooks and I tried to kick them out from under me, only to realise I wasn't lying on textbooks at all.

I was lying on some strange invisible figure which somehow, I knew was evil. It rolled out from under me and began to strangle me. I couldn't breathe. I kicked and struggled back and threw off my covers and then . . .





I woke up.

My bedside lamp was still glowing and my glasses were mangled in my sheets. I'd somehow managed to tangle myself up completely in my sheets. I sat up and that's when I noticed I wasn't alone. Gabriel was in my room. "Gabe!!! " I shouted, "is it really you? what are you doing here?"

I was so happy that I got up and went to hug him but before I could, I heard a commotion outside my bedroom window. I went to look.

An old haggard woman with long white hair, brown wrinkly skin and what looked like a robe was running past my window with her arms reached out. She was screaming, "HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" in the most horrible voice I'd ever heard in my life. She screamed it over and over and ran around in a frenzy. She turned around and spotted me and all I could think was that I had to get away. I grabbed Gabe and we ducked under my bed just as the lady peered in through my window screaming, "HELP MEEE!!! HELP ME!"

I curled up as small as I could under the bed and closed my eyes and . . .

woke up.


I was alone. My bedside lamp was still on. The clock read 12:47am. My glasses were on the floor and I was completely tangled up in my sheets. I looked down. My notes were sprawled across my bed.

My heart was still racing from my nightmares and I realised that I had fallen asleep while I was studying. I decided to get up and turn on all the lights in my room and sat there trying to compose myself to finish studying.

I got through the last two handouts and set my alarm for 5am and went to bed.

My night was filled with strange nightmares and weird creaking sounds. At one moment, I was convinced that Lola had snuck in and was hiding under my bed and would jump on my head any second like she'd done twice before (I was not amused). Eventually, my alarm went off and I got out of bed and tried to start reviewing my notes.

At about 7:00am, I realised there was no way I'd remember everything I had to know. There was just no way. I sat there and put my head in my hands. It had never been this bad in undergrad. Or at least I don't remember it being this bad. I have never had exam anxiety like this before in my life and it's come to the point where I can't sleep without having the strangest nightmares, I constantly think about the pros of being a substance abuser, and I really think it's affecting my health (mentally, spiritually, and physically).

Anyhow, my exam went fine. I went home and relaxed and fell asleep by 10pm and didn't get up till 8am today. And then I realised I have a final exam worth 100% of my course mark next Friday. At that point, I decided to go out and get myself my a raspberry mojito.

I'm post-mojito now and feeling a lot better. Not just cus of the raspberry mojito but because now I know I'm not the only vet kid going through this hell. The other girls I went out with each had way more booze than me and seem even more stressed than I am (if that's possible).
One of them has had several blood tests run cus she's been so stressed that she's been having all these weird symptoms and her doctor was convinced she had AIDS (she doesn't).
One of the other girls in my class had her entire face break out in a giant rash for no detectable reason.
Some one else said that they want to quit vet school and go back and finish their BSc and get a PhD in biology.
The other girl just settled for silently drinking four cocktails in a row and ordering a mint bailey's creme brulee.

We have big plans to reenact our inebriation next Friday after our fianl exam. "I want to be so liquored up that I need to be carried home," said the AIDS-girl, "preferably by someone tall, dark and handsome," she added.

We giggled, then sat there silently staring at the ice in the bottom of our glasses, each realising the truth in the earlier part of her statement.

Well, I guess I best be off to bed. It's a brand new day of studying tomorrow. And after this final exam on Friday, I'll be off for reading week. I'm considering not even going back to cowtown for my reading week as I have six final exams to write in April (in seven days) and I am badly behind in all my courses. I also signed up to go calving at some farm north of saskatoon on the saturday of my reading week so I have to leave from calgary early anyway.

But I so badly need a break. grrr.

Someone once told me that the purpose of reading week wasn't so that students could read up for their exams in march and april. It was so that students wouldn't kill themselves.

Now, I believe them.