Tim the Enchanter: There it is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim the Enchanter: There.
King Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim the Enchanter: It is the rabbit!

-Monty Python and the Holy Grail

It was 2 in the afternoon and Ranger was sleeping, like usual, in his litter box. Vivian shook her head and rolled her eyes. She’d given up on understanding why he insisted on sleeping in his feces when there was an entire cage full of fresh pine shavings for him to snuggle into. Ranger eyed her with contempt and wiggled deeper into his filthy lair.

Vivian stuck her tongue out at him and was about to pick up her books when it hit her. The stench was unbearable. “Ranger is that you?!” She walked over to his cage again. Yup. It was definitely time to clean his cage again. “I just cleaned it on frickin’ Tuesday you POOP MONSTER!”

Ranger slitted his eyes at her and just stared.

Biochem would have to wait. Vivian grabbed out her bunny cage cleaning stuff and removed the lid on the cage. Ranger scrambled to the corner of his cage, eluding Vivian’s grasp and flicking dried bunny poop everywhere in the process. “That’s it! Out you go! C’mon, don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

Vivian scooped up his bottom and kicking and flailing, Ranger was put onto the ground. He made a run for under the couch . . .and ran right into the cardboard that Vivian had placed there earlier for just such a moment. “SUCKA FOO!” Ranger looked bewildered for two seconds, then ran for the bed. “Oh ho! I’d like to see you get under there! I blocked it all up with cardboard too! Ha!” Ranger gave her a glare and with that, pummeled his way through the cardboard and under the bed. “Take that you idiot!” he shouted as he ran for the farthest corner under Vivian’s bed.

Vivian stammered. IT couldn’t be. She had put up two pieces of cardboard AND shoved her ironing board under there. Ranger uttered a muffled “Missed a spot LOSER! Who’s the suckafoo now?!” from under the bed.

“but, but, but . . .”

Then Vivian spotted the tiny little crevice that Ranger had crept through.

“That’s it!!! IT”S WAR!!!”

She got out her broom and proceeded to use it to scoot Ranger out from under the bed. He finally ran out and hten ferreted his way under her couch. Vivian took the opportunity to take drastic measures.

She grabbed out her masking tape and taped up the bottom of her bed till there was only a little crack left for her to get out her ironing board. “Let’s see him get through that!” she gloated in triumph.

She used the broom again to get Ranger out from under the couch and proceeded to tape up the couch too. Ranger cowered behind the coffee table and threatened to chew through Vivian’s electric fan cord. “Don’t even think about it you little punk.”
Finally, satisfied that she had taped up the couch and the bed, she proceeded to clean Ranger’s cage. “Ugh, this is disgusting. Why can’t you pee less?”

“I do it to tick you off. You know that. I actually have a very big bladder. You learned that this week in anatomy. Like the little surprise I left you under the littler box?” Ranger snickered,

Vivian lifted the litter box to find a lovely big gob of mucous bunny poo stuck to the bottom. “YOU LITTLE! AH!!!!!!! You’re DISGUSTING!!”

“Haha, yeah. But at least I’m not the one cleaning it. Sorry, no opposable thumbs!”

Vivian grumbled under her breath. After dumping out everything from Ranger’s cage and scrubbing it down, Vivian refilled it with the pine shavings. It was nice and neat and somewhat decent smelling again.

“Ok buddy, back in the cage you go.”

“Like hell!” Ranger shouted and ran just out of the reach of Vivian’s fumbling grasp. She chased him till he was stuck in a corner between her bed and the wall. He nudged at the masking tape barring his escape and then turned back to face Vivian. “Haha sucker. There’s no way you’re gonna get through that this time! I made sure I taped it up good.”
“Yeah, you did tape it up good. But there’s something you forgot.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
“This.” And with that, Ranger bit right through the masking tape and ran under the bed.

“You you YOU!!! I, I , I – “ Vivian was at a loss for words. She had been outsmarted by a fuzzball with an IQ that probably rivaled that of a carrot stick.

Ranger gloated and spread out his limbs under the bed getting comfortable. He began grooming himself. Vivian grabbed her desk lamp and shone it under there like a helicopter strobe light. “GET OUT! I give up! You win!! You win! OK! I concede!!” She picked up a white sock and waved it in surrender.

“Seriously?” Ranger aksed suspiciously, not quite believing his twitching ears.

“Yeah. Come out here and I’ll give you a strawberry. They’re fresh. I bought em yesterday just for you!”

“Hmmmm . . . I don’t trust you. Last time you said that, you just put me back in my cage again with that crappy ass generic brand bunny food you always buy for me.”

Vivian sighed and ran to the fridge and grabbed out a strawberry for him to see. “Here. See? I did buy strawberries yesterday.”

Ranger looked confused. The strawberry did look good though. He slowly crept out towards Vivian.

“HAHA GOTCHA!” Vivian shouted and swooped down on the poor bewildered bunny.

He was speechless with absolute rage. Vivian triumphantly paraded him to his cage and set him down into it and snapped the lid back on tightly.

Ranger retreated to his litter box and sat there glaring at Vivian.

“Mmmm this strawberry sure is good.” She said and slowly bit into the juicy, ripe fruit.

“You, you YOU . . . I’ll tell them all that you listen to Hilary Duff!”

Vivian stopped. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“Oh I would. I would.”

“Noooo . . .you couldn’t!”

“I could. You leave your computer on when you’re at school all day. What’s to stop me from writing them all a mass e-mail? . . . now where’s my strawberry?”

Vivian slowly handed over the berry with her right eye twitching in rage.

“And the carrot tops. I want carrot tops.”

“Get them yourself you little furry tyrant!”

“What that you said? Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you above Hilary’s singing.”

Vivian stormed to the kitchen and grabbed a bunch of carrot tops for Ranger.

“Uh-ah! I want them washed first missy!”

Vivian stormed back to the kitchen and rinsed off the carrots. She placed them precariously into Ranger’s cage.

“You are so dead Mister.” She muttered to him.

“And you are Sooooo Yesterday.”

“Jerk.”

“Be-atch.”

“Yeah, well go lick your balls. Oh wait! You don’t have any! HAHA you’re NEUTERED!!!! I can’t wait to tell that cute hamster across the hall about it.”

Ranger choked on his carrot tops and pouted. It was his one sore spot and Vivian knew it. They had reached an impass. A no-man’s land (fitting as neither of them were men).

With that, Vivian returned to her studying and Ranger continued to pout in his litter box.

“I’ll get you next time Lau. Next time . . .” he muttered.

THE END.


PS: And for the record, I do NOT listen to Hilary Duff.


PPS: thIs Is RANjur. And VIVian DUZ lissEn to HilARy DufF. AnD she TalKS in her SLeeP to.